Horizons

As time moves forward, I feel like I am implicitly siphoning off potential futures that I once had a shot at. In my mind, that’s fine if I am sure that the path I’m on is a favorable one, or something to which I am well suited. Who knows?

Whatnowness is the feeling that creeps in at a new phase of life immediately when the festivities have ended, and a new kind of ordinary existence is expected to resume. It is that moment when you realize said existence is about to unfold, and you’re the one holding the pen to write your story. It is the characteristic of this summer, in which I exist at the juncture between college graduation and the first day of my full-time job.

Now, after college, my peers and I branch off and pursue paths more bespoke to our interests, passions, and what we find meaningful in life. Some may choose careers in media, others may enter the startup scene, and some may travel for a bit before deciding on their next move. It is fascinating to see the diverse paths people take. There is an open canvas, so to speak, but with that comes the responsibility of knowing oneself better and being more deliberate in one’s choices. Without the strict guidance and guardrails of the past, there is a risk of swerving into oblivion. The current moment reminded me of this strip I came across a few years back on Existential Comics:

A comic strip depicting door-to-door existentialists. Panel 1: A man sitting on a couch hears a knock at the door. Panel 2: Two men with likenesses of Jean-Paul Sartre and Søren Kierkegaard, both in uniforms, ask, “Can we talk about the profound despair that haunts the human condition?” Panel 3: The homeowner replies, “I don’t believe in that.” The visitors ask about anxiety over life choices. Panel 4: The homeowner admits to sometimes feeling that way. The visitors offer to help through existentialism teachings. Panel 5: One visitor explains how understanding existence leads to more despair but also being “fully human.” Panel 6: A hand holds out a pamphlet titled “Life is meaningless and then you die.” Panel 7: A visitor asks about how choices destroy other possible lives. Panel 8: They discuss how distractions prevent pursuing authentic goals, showing a TV. Panel 9: One of the visitors states that watching TV is choosing not to do anything else.

As time moves forward, I feel like I am implicitly siphoning off potential futures that I once had a shot at. In my mind, that’s fine if I am sure that the path I’m on is a favorable one, or something to which I am well suited.

When I first knew I would be going to Stanford, there was a tremendous thrill of the many branching-off points that I could see in the near future. Even if I wasn’t seriously considering many of those paths, it was almost intoxicating to see so many possibilities open up before my eyes. It might have been the closest I came to actually believing the idea that “you can be anything you want.” Of course, I didn’t entirely believe that then or now. I already knew I was going to study computer science back then, and I had experienced various degrees of pigeonholing already. Additionally, I think that circumstances can heavily influence the likelihood of where a person ends up or where they feel pressured to devote their time and energy.

At the moment, my heuristic is to eyeball my life and work in the space of an ikigai Venn diagram. If I am at the intersection of those circles, it is okay because I am doing the best with what I have got. But who knows if that’s true? There are so many unanswered questions about what those alternate timelines could have been, and it keeps me up at night sometimes. On the whole, however, I’m excited to embrace this newfound freedom and make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. Plus, having some space to catch my breath and gather my thoughts has been a significant relief during this transition.

Next month, I will be starting my full-time position as a SwiftData Frameworks Engineer at Apple. It’s a daunting yet liberating feeling as I set up my apartment and endeavor to make acquaintance with Cupertino.